It’s way past bedtime for me, but I just wrapped up inking a piece and figured I’d unwind by writing another entry here. Perhaps emptying my head a little bit will provide me more peaceful rest. The last couple of weeks have been quite stressful if you, like me, rely on twitter for work. If you somehow have managed to avoid everything going on over there (or if you’re one of the few sane people left who never joined in the first place, bless you) I’m not going to go into details about it. A quick google search ought to unravel everything you need to know. Safe to say it feels frustrating being a bystander to someone actively ruining your livelihood. Seeing my fellow creatives scramble to relocate elsewhere when in reality there’s really not a viable alternative as of right now. What a way to wrap up this year, huh?
With that said, I’m not going to pretend twitter ever meant much to me personally (beyond the fact that it provides me work and also connected me with a bunch of lovely people, of course). From the very beginning I struggled building any sort of audience on that platform and until the very end, it never felt organic to me. As of writing this, I’ve gone from spending months introspecting and questioning my skill set, to turn downright infuriated. Seeing so many people do well only for my posts to tank over and over unless I poke it into oblivion squelched any kind of self confidence. And if one more person blame the algorithm, I will yell. You can’t blame that for forever. There’s clearly something wrong with me or my work. The maddening part is that I could never quite grasp what. Never did I see a clear indicator of what I did wrong or what lacked with my work compared to other people. And let me tell you, ending every night in bed pondering “What’s wrong with my art?” is not a very healthy way to wrap up the day. Over the course of this year, I’ve stopped posting more and more art on social media. Sometimes I would submit a piece only to delete it within hours, exhausted from facing the same pattern of indifference. Most times I didn’t share a piece all together and just quietly dumped it on Patreon. I am all for drawing for your own joy and fulfillment. However I, like so many other, rely on some kind of validation and feedback to keep going. Creating for the sake of creating only goes so far. My biggest joy is when I get to invest other people in my worlds, to share my passions. As an introvert and anxiety ridden person, art is my language. I’m not great with words and I don’t like to promote myself as a brand. The art I draw is my way of communicating with the world and when my artistic words are met with deafening silence, I slowly draw a grim conclusion: I’m worthless. That’s a deep, dark place to crawl back out of.
Right now I’m headed towards another burn out. 2022 has not been kind to me. Despite some big, lovely changes in my life (hello to my fantastic, wonderful and patient partner), I’ve suffered a huge, personal loss. Perhaps one day I’ll be ready to talk about that publicly. Suffice it to say, I’m still grieving, my health (both physical and mental) has been poor the last couple of months and art is everything I have left. Without art I am nothing. I don’t even have an intention with this letter other than putting words to the immense pain and fear stirring around on the inside, slowly driving me mad. If you read this, first of all my apologies for bringing you along this rough ride. Yet thank you for taking the time. To not leave this beast on such a sad note, I will post some cropped close-ups of several drawings I’m working on right now. They will all be shared in full over on Patreon this and next month. Consider it a light tease.
Take care of yourselves.
-Jaws
About posts tanking, and not blaming it on the algorhythm - I think it's important to remember there's also popular and unpopular things in art. Like for example I see a lot of fanart drawn in [insert game]'s style get more traction than fanart drawn in [artist]'s personal style. But even if something isn't popular doesn't demean its value; I've seen a lot of artwork that resonated with me very very deeply, but wasn't at all popular or recognized.
Popularity on social media is equaled to success, and it can for sure get you way more exposure and work opportunities, but it doesn't speak at all for the value of your craft!
I'm sorry for your loss. I really hope the following months and year are kind to you...